


Eye Contact

by Satanmarshmallow



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Circus, Childhood Trauma, Domestic Violence, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Historical References, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Magical Realism, Minor Original Character(s), Psychological Trauma, Slow Burn, Violence, cisgender katya, cisgender trixie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2019-11-08 17:44:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17985755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Satanmarshmallow/pseuds/Satanmarshmallow
Summary: "Rikker it adree tute's kokero see an' kek'll jin"Keep it a secret in your own heart, and nobody will know it. The old gypsy proverb came to Katya's mind as she watched the caravan move slowly trough the night, hoping her heart would be strong enough to keep her secrets between it's own walls.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!  
> Ok so this is my first fic EVER. English is also not my original language but i have been studying for years so I really hope they will pay off.  
> This story is my baby, I have been wanting to read a fic like this so i decided i would just write one. There's going to be a lot of chapters and I'll try to be consistent with the posting.  
> Hope you love it, please let me know what you think!!

Katya stumbled out of the door into the cold wisconsin night. The wind swirling her blonde hair as she lit a cigarette with cold fingers. She took a deep drag trying to calm down and steady her thoughts. There was laughing and music in the distance echoing through the walls of the dirty alleyway, the sounds of the crowd gathered around the old fair building, but her spot was quiet enough. 

She heard loud footsteps coming her way and barely had time to turn her head around before a mass of pink fabric collided into her side, almost making her trip over. Katya held onto the cold wall to keep herself from falling and stared down to her feet. There was a girl clinging to her legs, she looked like a teenager all blonde strawberry curls pink lips and big terrified brown eyes. Katya was shaken taken by surprise, she tried to speak but as soon as she opened her mouth the girl got up and ran away leaving her alone again.

She leaned against the wall for a second trying to catch her breath, when a tall,tough looking man burst into the alley.

-You seen a blond girl around here?- He asked looking at katya. He looked pissed off and had a searching look in his eyes. She instantly knew who he was looking for.

-I’m blonde- She answered tossing her hair to the side flirtatiously - You looking for some fun?-

-Fuck off- He replied and went away without a second look.

She watched him walk away as she lit another cigarette and blew clouds of smoke that swirled around her. What the fuck had that been? She could have told the guy in which way the girl had run but she didn’t. Instead she followed her gut and fucking flirted with him. It could have gone terribly wrong, but her instinct had taken control and it had not failed her once yet.

Looking down at her feet cladded in red leather boots she thought about the girl the man was obviously chasing after. What could she have possibly done? she had looked so scared and wretched.

-There you are bitch!- A loud voice startled her- Bianca is looking for you. She’ll kick your ass if you don’t go back inside- 

Adore had opened the door of the side entrance of the building and was staring at Katya’s torn expression with her dreamy green eyes.

-You ok girl?- She asked

-Yeah, here you can finish this- Katya handed her the rest of her smoke and went back inside the building forgetting all about the girl int the pink dress.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm back!  
> I really hope you enjoy this new chapter. I had fun writting it.  
> We'll get to see a few more characters on this one, and i have to warn you i have added a few original characters to help the story come alive.  
> Let me know what you think!!
> 
> XXOO  
> Marshmallow.

Chapter 2

 

Trixie ran faster than she ever thought she would, down the deserted streets. Her feet ached and she was frozen to her bones, even though it was only the beginning of September. She was wearing her pink gingham dress and her old cowboy boots, barely had time to grab anything before running out the house. She hadn't even planned it, she just had to get out of there.

There was a large crowd gathered around the entrance of the old county fair building and Trixie remembered seeing posters of the circus arriving to town that weekend, but she hardly had any time to think before she heard him running behind her, yelling her name.

“Beatrice come here!”

She didn't waste a second looking back, she knew exactly what he wanted and there was no way she was ever going back. She forced her legs to move again towards the crowd trying to mix herself with them and get out of sight, but it was so thick she couldn't get past it. Instead she took a right turn and flinged herself into the building’s back alley, getting more and more uneasy with every passing second.

She was at the limit of her strength, having hardly eaten all day, and looked back to check if he was still following her.

The pain hit her before she even realised she had clashed onto someone standing in the middle of the alley. Her knees hit the concrete with a painful _thump_. She felt the soft touch of the leather against her frozen, stiff fingers, and wished for a second that she would not have to move again. Looking up she realized that she was clinging to the legs of a stranger who was staring back at her in surprise.

The first thing Trixie noticed about her were her sharp cheekbones framed by a soft cascade of blond curls that emitted whitish flashes in the light of the street lamps, her carefully painted red lips curved in a grimace of surprise, and her big blue eyes that bore into hers until she felt like screaming. Trixie was fascinated for a second, she remembered to breath and let all the air out  of her lungs, exhausted.

She got up, still, and started running again afraid she had given him too much time to get close. There was no room for mistakes, one second could mean the end of everything.

The land around her appeared unfamiliar, there was no place like this in the hometown she thought she knew so well. She could clearly see the crowd in the distance and a collection of odd looking trailers and wagons parked in circle, narrowing her scaping rout in only one direction; the cornfield.

Speeding up her pace she desperately tried to reach the open land ahead of her, but deep down she knew her efforts were futile. She could hear him approaching, closer and closer, breathing heavily and cursing under his breath.

She used the last of her strength to throw herself into the cornfield but then felt his has hands pulling her back by her long curls, yanking at her scalp painfully.

“You're coming back home you little slut”, He spat the words to her face. Trixie could smell the alcohol on his breath.

“Please” ,She cried, “Let me go”, but she could see the slap come before she could beg any further. She was used to the slaps and punches but they still hurt like hell. Her bruised knees buckled and she could feel the cold dirt against them ,“Please”, she cried again,“Brett.”

Their eyes met once before Trixie could see him ball his hand up in a fist and bring it down across her face, full strength.

The little lights appeared before her eyes as she felt her body gently detach from the pain. She could not see anything but the sparkles that danced and blurred her vision, and began to fade away slowly. A distant sound of voices caught her attention, but before she could react, the darkness that struggled to break through her mind consumed it all.

 

***************************************************

 

The lights were dim inside the building, Katya blinked trying to get her eyes used to the shadows and could distinguish some details and figures. Bianca, de circuses current ringmaster, was propped against and old ebony piano that looked like it had seen better times. She was an odd looking woman beautiful in her own way with overdrawn lips and heavy eye makeup, she was a clown after all.

Katya didn't think Bianca had heard her walk in over the noise of the crowd, but she spoke before Katya had time to open her mouth.

“Finally!” She exclaimed,“You're next Zamo. Get your ass moving now. We'll talk after the show is over.”

Katya blinked and let out a sigh. She was used to Bianca's tone and bossy attitude. She was their boss after all, always in charge of most of the important things at the circus, but to Katya she was like that old aunt you don't listen to even though you know she is right. They had known each other for years now, but in some particular days her old friend’s wit still got to her nerves.

“You bet we'll talk”,She answered before walking through the small corridor that led outside and to the stage that had been improvised in front of the building.

She took a good look at the crowd; It was always the same everywhere they went. The first night they would prop a stage and perform some tricks so to impress the crowd and leave them wanting more. It gave them time to set the tent up properly and set the scene for the big show.

Katya took a deep breath and stretched behind the old red curtains,relaxing all the muscles of her body one by one slowly, and consciously planting a big smile on her face . She had been an acrobat for years now but every time she was set to go onstage she still got a bit of stagefright. But there was nothing to fear, she looked good, she knew that. She had handsewn the sequins to her red leotard and painted her makeup carefully earlier that night. She had this. This was just another small country town,boring and sterile, like the many they had passed in their way.

She walked on stage waving her hands at the crowd and took a small bow at their cheers and applause. She easily melted into a split going down slowly as she touched the hand of a little girl next to the stage. She propped one of her legs back and bent so she could touch her ear with her right foot and smiled at the surprised sounds that escaped the public's mouth. She was so elastic, and she loved that. She went on striking some posses and sprawling herself all over the stage until her act was done, and left, bowing as the crowd exploded in applause.

 

She could hear Bianca's voice behind her, wrapping up the show as she stepped down from the stage. She fished for her cigarettes and lighter hidden inside one of her red leather boots and lit one as she made her way back to the trailers.

She felt sore even though she had stretched, and could feel the anxiety forming in the pit of her stomach at the prospect of a pending talks with Bianca about the handling of the circus.

She shivered through the thin fabric of her leotard and wiped the beads of sweat that had begun to form on the back of her neck, and were now beginning to cool in the spring air. She never liked when the weather cooled up, it reminded her too much of the old shattered home she once had to share with her parents in Russia. But she had learnt that the circus life was never a very comfortable life to live. She was lucky enough, she thought to herself, as she leaned against the peeling surface of her old wagon, taking a last drag out of her cig; She did have a warm bed and, an almost to herself, roof to live under, and it should be enough. But deep down, she knew it wasn't. It was never enough to settle down.

She let out a sigh and shook her head. The Bianca chat would have to wait, she was feeling like dozing off for the day, and she was about to do just that when a loud noise of yelling and hollering caught her attention.

She made her way towards the center of the campsite, saw Adore and Milk walking with effort towards her. They were carrying something that looked heavy, and when she adjusted her sight she could make out the silhouette of a person. They were carrying an unconscious person.

“Katya, help us!”, Adore cried out.

She quickly ran towards them, in the precise second Adore was giving in to the weight of the girl on her hands and hers were replaced by Katya’s holding the girl’s feet as she helped Milk settle her on the floor, by the remainings of the bonfire.

“What the fuck is going on?”, The three of them were startled by Bianca’s loud voice, as the woman made her way towards the bonfire with a grim expression on her tired face.

“Willow!”, Adore said her voice calm and warning, “We had to help, he was going to kill her!”, They started arguing in a hushed voice, but Katya wasn’t even listening anymore. She had recognised the girl as the one she had run into earlier, and had bent by her side to take a few loose strands of blonde hair  out of her face.

“What happened?”, she asked Milk quietly. The strong man looked guilty an uneasy.

“He was really beating the shit out of her. We saw it all from the bonfire and had to help. Katya I think I killed that bastard”, His voice was a whisper but Katya could hear the fear in it.

“Don’t you fucking say that again.” It was Bianca speaking this time, “Let’s get her to Dela’s before anyone can see her. And Katya, go tell Mr.Davis to move the caravan on. We’re leaving right now.”

Katya nodded and got up. She almost run towards the front of the caravan to speak to the old coachman. She looked over her shoulder one last time as the group carried the girl to the trailers, wishing it wasn’t too late for her.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok! One more to go.  
> So i will use italics when writting dreams or inner thoughts from now on. I hope it's not too messy. I also asumed we're all familiar with the RPDR characters i'm using to bring my story to life, so I didn't feel the need to phisically describe them so much, but I'm open to suggestions!  
> There's clearly an original character on this chapter and will be one of the main ones, so I really hope you don't hate him untill you have to!  
> Please let me know what you think!
> 
> XXOO  
> Marshmallow

_“Come on Trix. We’re going to be late!” Her mother yelled as Trixie came down the stairs wearing her best sunday dress, “You look gorgeous honey, now come on”, She ran a gentle hand over Trixie’s blonde curls that she had never had the nerve to cut, not even once since she was born._   
_“But mama” ,Trixie whined with a little pout, “Why can’t I stay home with grandpa? He said he didn’t mind.”_   
_“Well”, Her mother answered with inpatient yet sweet voice, “Because Grandpa is getting older and he needs to rest more now than he did before. And you need to learn how to behave like a propper young lady, ok honey?”_   
_Trixie looked up at her and nodded. She really hated going to old Lady D’jour’s house to learn how to sit and speak and behave, but it made her mother happy and she knew she had very little things that brought her joy those days…_

Trixie felt a gentle soft hand stroking her forehead. “Mama?”, she said shifting her position .  
“Oh! I think she's waking up.”, She heard an unfamiliar voice say with excitement.She opened her eyes and blinked a couple of times trying to get used to the light. She tried to sit up and felt her muscles complain as if they had all been crushed at the same time. Suddenly pieces of the previous night came rushing back to her mind and she tried to get up. It was a mistake, her whole body hurt and she had to close her eyes when nausea and dizziness hit her hard.  
“Easy there girl. You're gonna be fine, but you need to take it slow.”  
It was then that she noticed the woman sitting by her side looking at her, expectantly. She didn’t look like anyone Trixie had seen before. She looked way into her forties, and her heavy makeup accentuated the wrinkles around her green playful eyes. She was wearing a pink see-through caftan and her long black hair was pulled behind her ears into a messy bun by a blue flower patterned headband. A few curls had fallen out of her hairdo and were tickling the side of her face, so she tucked them behind her ear with one hand, covered in bracelets and rings. “Try not to move too fast honey, we don’t want you throwing up all over my bed!”, She smiled a bit and waited for a sign that Trixie had understood what she was saying, But Trixie didn’t move. “Where am I?” She asked still confused.  
“Well I couldn't actually tell. We’ve been moving for a while now. How are you feeling? I’m Dela by the way.” ,The woman extended her hand and Trixie shook it with trembling fingers. She noticed a restrain on her left hand and looked down to see an improvised splint resting against her stomach, holding her arm in place. She felt the skin of her face tight and swollen but she still forced a tiny smile and replied; “I, um. My name’s Beatrice M’am. What do you mean we’ve been moving?”, She could actually feel the bed she was laid on sway a little, but she wasn't quite sure.  
“Well, nice to meet you Beatrice. You don't need to worry about that now. I bet you're feeling uncomfortable, I made you a special tea to help with the pain, here.”, She said handing Trixie a small porcelain cup,“Drink up!”  
“Um, Trixie. You can call me Trixie.”  
“Ok then, Trixie”,Dela smiled and gently squeezed the side of her sore arm,“Drink up! You’ll feel a lot better.”  
She drank all of it in almost one gulp an was quickly falling asleep again before she could ask any more questions.

 

*******************************************************************

“Willow, Please understand. We couldn't just stand there and do nothing!”Adore said, looking at Bianca’s infuriated features as she paced the length of the trailer they shared.  
Katya was sitting on an old battered desk that had been pushed against the furthest wall, by one of the tiny windows, chain smoking into the open crease of one of them. By her, on the corner of the small room Milk was laid on Bianca's favorite tatty ottoman, with his head between his hands gently swaying to the beat of the wagon.  
“Oh, don't you willow me out of this!”, Bianca answered, with a sharp tone, “You shouldn't have brought her back here. We already have a lot to deal with, on our own. And don't even get me started on how hard it is to feed y’all.”, She let out a frustrated sight, “What are we gonna do with a country girl like that? What if someone comes looking for her? Didn’t you two think about that?”,Her voice was getting louder, and Adore let out a quiet sob. “I’m sorry”, She cried, “I just wanted to help! You should have seen the look on that guy’s face…”  
Bianca stopped her pacing and stared at Adore for a second. Katya knew the girl was Bianca’s soft spot, and she watched her friend’s whole expression change and sweeten as tears escaped from the young woman’s eyes. “I know baby, I know. I, I just don’t know how the fuck we’re gonna figure this out.”, The older woman said, approaching to gently stroke Adore’s long brown hair.  
“This is my fucking fault, I completely lost it”, Milk said from his corner of the room, “I’m sure I killed that guy.”  
“I don't really think you did.” Katya spoke up, and everyone turned to look at her as if they had forgotten she was still there, “That was a fucking tough looking, son of a bitch. No offense to you, strong man, but I don’t think he’s dead.”,She shortly smiled to Milk who just nodded absentmindedly.

She had already explained them her previous encounter with the guy, conveniently cutting out the part where she flirted with him trying to get the lead off the girl. More or less.  
“Ok so maybe the guy is not dead, that doesn’t matter right now if no one saw what happened. Drunks get fucked up every now and then”, Bianca was back to her pacing,and this time she grabbed the cigarette from between Katya's fingers and took a long drag, “But we still need to figure this girl out. I’ll talk to Kystur in the morning, but I know he’ll tell me to drop her off next time we stop. He's already gonna be upset because we left before the show could even start.”,Katya's jaw clenched at the mention of the circus owner’s name. She knew what he would have to say, she knew him very fucking well, unfortunately.  
“But we can’t to that!”, Milk said, suddenly upset, “Bianca, you need to talk to him. What if the guy is alive and comes back looking for her?”  
Bianca was still looking at Milk, her eyes showed fury and frustration. “Well, I wish you were so protective with your own family. You should have thought about this before you felt the need to be some stranger’s fucking hero! But no, now i’m the one who's head is gonna roll,instead.”,Her voice was a controlled whisper,but Katya could see anger boiling inside of her friend, “Don't you worry, Milk. I will talk to Kystur. I will receive the punch, like I always do! But you better man up before that girl wakes up and discovers you're just as coward as you are muscled.” And with those last words she walked into her compartment slamming the door behind her.  
Adore looked at them apologizing and went after Bianca, leaving Katya and Milk alone in the kitchen-living room.  
Katya got up from the desk and rummaged through the drawers until she found a small glass bottle she handed to Milk. “Here,you look like you need this.”, He took the bottle from her hands taking the cap off it as she sat next to him on the red ottoman, propping her tired feet over the tiny coffee table full of forgotten stuff.  
“Girl, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me”, he told Katya, “I can't stop thinking about her, and I don't even know her name! But I swear she looked so helpless, it broke my heart. You don't even know.”,He took a sip of the liquid inside the bottle and cringed at the taste of it.

But Katya did know how he felt. She had seen the panicked look on the girl's eyes, yet she thought she was so beautiful it took her breath away. Even unconscious,disheveled and beaten she had looked like an angel. It had broken Katya's heart too. Her stomach churned at the thought and she lit another cigarette,just so she would have something to do. “Turns out you're a poet ,strong man.”, She teased him offering the smoke. He took it from her hand laughing humorlessly. “Don't worry about Bianca,it'll be fine. You know how she is.”, But Milk shook his head and closed his eyes. “She is right though. It was Adore who spotted them, an the one who jumped in trying to help. I just beat the hell out of him.”,He gulped down the rest of the bottle in one sway of his hand, “I'm a coward. I didn't even do it to defend Adore. I just reacted when he attacked me.”  
“There's no use in thinking about that now”, Katya answered, “You better get some sleep. We'll figure this out after she speaks to him.”  
Milk nodded, shifted his body into a more comfortable position, and then he was quietly snoring.  
Drunk people were easier to comfort, Katya thought. She wished she could be comforted in the same way,because she knew there was no way Kystur would let that girl stay unless there was something special she could do, or something special he could get from her.  
She had known him since they were children, and he was the kind of person that could find the good in everyone, and use it in his own benefit. Nothing he did was ever random, and he followed some of the old gipsy rules his father had taught him to run the circus,but only the ones that brought him benefits. Katya even repulsed him a little bit, but they had been raised by the same man, and she owed so much to Kystur’s father.  
Ru had been a great man. He had took her in at age fifteen and had given her a roof and taught her a trade, even if the job was not the most honest at times. She often thought that Ru had always expected her to end up marrying his son, but it was clear a few years into Katya’s puberty, that she rather have girls clutched against the walls of her trailer after a long show night to try’n relieve her tension, than Kystur.  
She closed her tired eyes to stop the wave of memories invading her head and let herself doze off against Milk’s broad shoulder, trying not to think about plump pink lips whispering her name into the darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> It's been so hard to write this chapter because i'm back to college and i have been so busy but i hope you enjoy it!  
> There's not a lot of background and the story doesn't go on further but I felt it was a totally neceasy chapter.  
> Please let me know what you think!  
> Also *кукла means doll.
> 
> XXOO  
> Marshmallow

“Wake up, sleeping cunt!” Katya heard Bianca’s loud voice say as she was blinded by a sudden glow. Her friend had entered the trailer and was opening all the window drapes around them.

She sat up and stretched her muscles with a yawn.

“What time is it?” She said with pasty voice, rubbing the remnants of sleep from her eyes.

“It’s about time you got your ass moving” Bianca answered walking through the room towards the kitchen, “We’ve got rehearsals today.”

“Have we stopped moving already?” Katya asked.

“Yes. We went on for a good couple of miles. Mr. Davis was starting to freak out, but Kystur says we need to rehearse and get the show started on the next big town we reach if we want to get paid.”

“Wait did you speak to him?” Katya was suddenly totally awake, wondering how many hours she had slept that she missed so many things. She got up from the couch she had slept in and made her way to sit on the small kitchen counter across from where Bianca was pouring them coffee.

“Yes, I did. He wants to see you, by the way. He said he’d be waiting for you in his office.”

Katya sighed and took the mug from Bianca’s hand. Ignoring the older woman’s words she asked:

“What did he say? About, you know…”

“Yes! Of course I fucking know” She was cut by Bianca’s snarky tone, “You know how this works. The girl can stay if she’s useful. He said he’d take a look at her when she wakes up.”

“She still hasn't?”

Bianca shook her head no and took a sip of her coffee.

Katya glanced at her carefully and saw she was gripping the coffee mug so tight her knuckles were white. She could feel the tense air between them. They both knew they had a pending conversation.

“You know” Katya said lighting a cigarette, trying to break the ice “We’ll have to talk about this eventually.” She stared straight into her best friends eyes that were looking back at her with a note of guilt. She shrugged under the weight of her stare and Katya could see the lines around her eyes, deeper than she had ever noticed them before. Bianca's age was evident to her now, and she looked exhausted.

Bianca looked at her through her lashes not answering.

“You know what happened in Kentucky was fucked up.” Katya said, feeling tension starting to build in her chest.

“Oh don't you start. Violet can hook up with who ever she wants, it’s none of your business.”

“You know that was not about a hookup Bianca,I was there! She was trying to get Maxine to sleep with some guy after the burlesque show. The girl was so fucking drunk  she could barely stand straight and Violet was bargaining like the girl was an old chair. If that's not fucked up to you…”

"Maybe you're being over dramatic?" Bianca was looking at her hopefully, as if she really wished that Katya had misunderstood the whole situation.

"Bee, I know what it looked like I've been in that position. Violet looked very confident though. I don't think this was the first time"

"Ok, we both know how Violet is. You shouldn’t have stepped in and try to beat her ass tho. There's no harm in her sleeping around and getting something out of it, but I will speak to Maxine to see what really happened. Ok?"

Katya nodded not even a bit satisfied but knowing it was the best she could expect for know.

"He wants to speak to you about this. Don't make me say it twice. He's in the office."

And with those final words Bianca left the room leaving Katya to finish her coffee and battle with her thoughts.

The "office" was the back of Kystur's own trailer. The wooden door that led to it had been a wedding present to Ru when he married Kystur's mother, and it's color had faded with the years.

Katya stood in the doorway debating between knocking on the door or entering directly, when it suddenly opened and milk came out of the room looking a bit shaken. She saw his eyes widen when he recognized Katya standing in the doorway but he just looked down and left quickly.

She watched him leave with a lump in her throat.

"Aaaah, Yekaterina. Come in" The deep voice with a fake accent made her guts turn but she still turned around to face him and smiled tightly as she walked in, closing the door behind her.

The room was poorly illuminated. The drapes hanging from the tiny windows were totally opened but the deep green walls covered in maps and papers didn't reflect the bright sunlight from outside, and she instantly felt like she had entered a different dimension.

There was a small  green lamp illuminating some paperwork  left on the old solid ebony desk,that looked faded and worn out. It was Ru's old office but it looked totally different to her now than it had when Ru lived in it. It used to be a place where you felt comfortable and safe. It had been a while since she had been there since she didn't enjoy Kystur's company very much, and it shook her how much it had changed; There used to be a picture of her and Ru hanging from one of the corners, it wasn’t there anymore and all of the old books were gone too.

"Sit down" He ordered and gestured towards a short  velvet seat by the desk. She sat down reluctantly and watched him as he paced the room lighting his pipe.

A big cloud of dense smoke rose above his head wrapping them in fog for a moment. She blinked and looked right into his eyes.

He was a tall man, his skin was darker that his father's had been but still kept that smoothness that youth gave to it. He had grown out a moustache and shaved his head completely when the hair started to fade. His deep brown eyes were intense and mischievous as they had always been.

"Bianca said you were looking for me" She said with a hushed voice, even though she had tried to make it sound strong and clear.

“Ah, yes. We have things to discuss. Violet told me what happened back in Kentucky. You weren't very gentle I believe."

He studied her face carefully letting smoke drip from his lips and smiling at her like he was sharing with her a big secret he wasn’t mean to reveal.

Katya knew Violet would have talked to him by now, but she still felt a bit betrayed.

"Is that what this is about? You already know what happened. What do you really want from me?”

His smile widened and he sat down in his old leather recliner.

"Are you jealous of the girl getting some?" He asked with a teasing tone, "You've had your own share as well. "

Katya clenched her jaw at the subtle suggestion of her and Violet, but didn't answer.

"Come on *кукла. Don't be sour. She is old enough, she knows how to look out for herself. And so does Maxine."

This caught Katya off guard and she looked up from where she had been staring at her own hands balled into fists. She wasn't expecting the pet name, it brought her memories that revolted her insides.

She raised her head only to find Kystur staring at her very closely. He had moved from his chair and was examining her face closer than she would have liked.

He lifted his hand to caress the side of Katya's cheek, and she almost recoiled with disgust.

“You let them be кукла, and we’ll have no trouble at all. We don’t mess with other’s work here at the circus, you know that.” He had brought his hand to the back of her neck and was squeezing it a little,menacingly. His voice had became a whisper.

“We have debts to pay, and we all have a place to fulfill. If you would rather take their place you can speak now, we both know you’re experienced.”

Katya’s heart was beating so fast she felt like it would fly away through her mouth if she even opened it. She swallowed loudly trying to get rid of the feeling. She felt anger pound in every part of her, but she didn’t move a muscle until he had returned to his place in the recliner.

“You can leave now. Unless there’s something else to discuss” He looked her up and down salaciously, waiting for her to respond. Katya got up and spat on the floor with disgust.

“I hope you ever think about your father and how ashamed he would be of you.”

She left the office stamping the door behind her feeling the tears prickling the corners of her eyes as she made her way to her trailer, hoping she would ever be brave enough to run away and never come back.

*****************************************************************

 

Trixie slept for two day and two nights, waking up at times to sip on some of Dela's special tea and going back to her slumber were the dreams were so real she wasn't sure what the truth was. She dreamt about her mother and her grandfather, all of the memories of her childhood coming back to haunt her in her sleep making her confused and tired. But in the end she knew they were dreams, her mother and grandpa had been dead for years.

On the evening of the third day she finally woke up completely - feeling like she had been floating on a cloud- when her head hit the bunk of the bed and she felt the swaying finally stop. She sat up and lifted both arms trying to feel how sore they were. She was actually feeling a lot better so she let her feet wander to the floor. She looked around studying the room for the first time. There were a lot of framed pictures of people that looked like movie stars, smiling at her from their spots on the wall.The small side table by the bed was overflowing with accessories of all sizes and colors. Rings and bracelets inlaid with colored stones and fake pearl necklaces long as Trixie’s arm. The walls were covered in a soft baby pink paper that looked worned out and sad, and there was a green beaded curtain dividing her spot from what she thought would be another room.

 It reminded her a bit of her grandmother's house, but it was way more shabby and messy, with lots of cloth items spread around the room, all made of shiny fabrics that looked like tulle and sequins. Her grandma had never owned nothing like that.

She heard a sudden bark and watched as a little yappy dog climbed on her lap and started licking her hands happily.

“Hi little guy! Who are you?” she asked the dog as she scratched behind its ears.

“Reggie! Leave that girl alone!” she heard Dela’s voice coming from the other room and then saw her make her way into the bedroom wearing only a blue fancy robe with faux feathers around the sleeves.

“Oh my god, You're wide awake!” She said looking at trixie up and down surprised. “Jinkxy! She’s awake!” Dela called over her shoulder as she fully entered the room to sit by Trixie on the bed.

Trixie was still holding the tiny dog on her lap and watched as it hopped off her and went to sniff the bare feet of a red headed woman padding her way into the room, causing the beaded curtain to make a clinking sound.

She looked a bit older than Dela and her hooded eyes were sleepy but warm. She was wearing a black silky nightgown and her long red hair was spread around her back like a sheet.

“I already knew she would. I told you, the ball knows.”

Dela snorted and turned to face Trixie and grab her hands.

“We’re so happy you are okay. We were starting to get worried you would go on sleeping forever!” She laughed and sqeezed Trixie’s hand a little.

Trixie smiled, but she felt like there was something odd about the situation.

“I’m sorry”, she said “I don't mean to be rude but I don't really know where I am or who are you. Anyways I do thank you for healing my wounds.”

“It’s fine.” Jinkx answered “We are Dela and Jinkx and you are at our trailer right now. Some of the guys from the circus found you lying on a cornfield, beaten up and brought you back here. We just tried to make as comfortable as possible.” She let out a big yawn and stretched her arms, even though it looked like she had just gotten up from bed.

“Circus?” Trixie asked confused, “You mean we are not in wisconsin anymore?”

“We should be some place near Minnesota by now, but we don't really pay attention to that” Dela told her examining her reaction.

Trixie opened her mouth, but closed it again not knowing what to say. She always knew Brett had a bad temper, he always got violent when he drank but everything had gone worse after her mother had died in the summer and she didn't have where to run to anymore.The beatings had gotten worse and worse, until one time Trixie had to skip her work at the local school -were she  was kinder teacher- to spend a whole week in bed recovering from the punches. She had thought about leaving him, but there was no other place she could go. In the end she was only waiting for the day when he would put her out of her misery; Yet that night she had run for her life, there was a survival instinct in her that had not let her surrender.

She blinked as she felt sudden tears roll down her cheeks, and wiped them away with shaky fingers.

“It’s okay girl. You're okay” Dela was rubbing her back and whispering reassuringly by her side.

“What am I gonna do now?” She wondered looking at Dela. “I need to go back, there’s no other place for me.”

“That is not true.” Jinkx’s voice came to her from somewhere behind the beaded curtain, and Trixie followed Dela into a smaller room where Jinkx was crouched on a pillow staring at a crystall ball propped on an improvised table made of cloth and cushions.

Dela led her by Jinkx’s side and crouched by her friend. Trixie looked at both of them not knowing what she was supposed to do.

“There has been misery in your life young lady” Jinkx said with a strange voice that didn’t sound like the one she had used a moment before. She kept staring at the ball, with both of her hands laying flat around it, “But there is so much more to come. Good and bad. You will have important decisions to make, but one thing is certain; You’ll be the one making your path from now on, Pixie.” she cocked her head back and looked straight into Trixie's eyes as she smiled

Trixie let out a gasp at the familiar nickname and fell to her knees in front of  the two women. It was the name her grandfather used to call her. This time the tears fell down her cheeks but she did nothing to stop them; There in that second she realised what was that had made her run from Brett that night so he wouldn’t end her life. It had been hope, the hope that there was something better out in the world for her, just like her grandpa used to tell her;

_“You’ll be big little Pixie. You’ll do things no one’s done before. And even if you don’t you will make someone really happy someday. Just like you make me.”_

Staring into the crystal ball Trixie sworn to herself that she would never go back to wisconsin and that she would make something good out of her life, even if it took all of it to come true she would make her old grandpa proud of her because deep down she knew there was nowhere she could run anymore, not from herself.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back!  
> I'm so sorry this chapter took me so long to post but i've been so busy, also writers block was a big issue.  
> I really hope you guys like this one. I'm not completely sure of it but anyways, let me know what you think!  
> XXOO
> 
> PS: The song on this chapter is called “Green grass of home” (I'm a freak for old country music)

Chapter 5  
A week went by as she tried to get used to the busy lifestyle of the circus. She still couldn't believe she was alive after Bret’s beating. She knew he didn’t love her, even though she tried to tell herself that he at least cared for her since her mother died and she was left alone in the world. But she could have never imagined one day he would leave her there lying on the ground to die. She felt grateful for the circus folks, Milk and Adore had came to see her when she still was in bed and told her how they found her. Adore was sweet and silly and she thought Milk was really gentle and handsome, she was happy and so grateful for them finding her. But she thought there was something odd about the way they told her the story. Like they were afraid to say the wrong thing. She tried not to think too much about it and it wasn't like she had much time to be overthinking anyways.

She was assigned a bed in Kim’s trailer, a lovely asian girl that worked painting the faces of the children before the shows. They bonded right away and Trixie was happy to have at least one friend.  
Her work took all of her time. Cooking and cleaning for so many people sure was a handful, but she was grateful for it. Latrice was the circus cook and she was lovely. Her curvy big curvy body was accustomed to the perks of the tough work she did and she taught Trixie a lot of great tricks. She finally started to feel a bit at ease and grew used to the routine. They would get up at dawn and prepare breakfast before rehearsals could start and immediately after started to prepare lunch so when rehearsals were over everybody would have a plate on their hand. They would also heat enormous amounts of water so the dancers and acrobats could rest their sore muscles in improvised tin tubs that Latrice would have previously prepared with healing Lavender and Camphor scented oils. It took a lot of time and Trixie kept forgetting things and getting yelled at by Violet who was quickly becoming one of her least favourite dancers. She was fascinated by them though;Dancers and acrobats and all of the circus folks didn't look like anything Trixie had seen in her life and she couldn't get enough of their twists and turns. One particularly terrible noon Trixie got yelled at several times for getting wrong the water temperature and was exhausted and ready for a break, she was almost all the way back to the trailer when she remembered neither her or Latrice had added the scented oils to the smallest tub. She groaned in frustration, it had been a terrible day and the thought of seeing Violets annoyed face once again made her want to scream, but she retraced her steps and went back to the place where they had divided each tub with sheets of white cloth. She absentmindedly pushed the sheet aside and was met with the image of a woman sitting inside the tub. Her wet hair cascaded down her back, heavy with the water that dripped from it, making it look a bit darker than the butter shade of blonde Trixie knew it was, her smooth skin appeared a bit pink from the heat and tiny drops of water rolled down the sides of her face. Her blue eyes shot up from where she was scrubbing her knees and met Trixie’s dazed gaze.  
Katya  
Trixie remembered her from that terrible night at the alley. It already seemed like years ago, but it had only been a week. She had barely seen Katya around camp, only when rehearsals were held but she did most of her routine apart from the others and Trixie hadnt had the chance to properly watch her.  
Trixie remembered the intensity of her gaze, how she had felt her brain go mush and her thoughts lost in all of that blue, even through all of her fear. And now there she was, looking at her in the same way, making her skin prickle uncomfortably.  
“I’m sorry ma'am” she blurted out looking down at her feet “I didn't think there was anyone left here”  
Katya said nothing, instead she got up from where she had been sitting in the tub causing a splashing sound and stood there looking at her. Trixie looked up a little even though she tried not to but she couldn't resist the urge to peek through her lashes.  
Katya’s body was smooth and toned. Her breasts were small and round with pink little niples growing hard under the cool breeze. The soft curve of her toned ass ended in a pair of firm legs and her tiny waist almost made her look like a doll. The beads of water dangling from her body shined in the sunlight making a her figure appear surrounded by a halo.  
Trixie’s heart was beating fast, she was completely looking now and she felt a bit envious. Katya was gorgeous and mysterious,Trixie suddenly felt like a little lost peasant playing adulthood, but at the same time she felt the need to run her hands down the sides of katya's body and take away the tiny beads of warm water. She shook the thought away.  
“Ma'am, huh? Oh, it's okay. I’m finished anyway” Katya said and stepped out of the tub wrapping herself in a soft robe. She looked at trixie and smiled. Trixie just stood there and watched as she left swaying her hips and twisting her wet hair between her slender hands. She felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. It had been so stupid to stare like that, she felt hot all over her body and slowly started to make her way to the trailer on wobbly legs

 

It was the evening and they had finally finished making dinner. Latrice was helping her pour stew for everyone as the cast came to sit around the bonfire. Dinner was kind of a big deal, it was the only moment they all shared and usually ended with laughter and singing. She had met Sasha that week, the eccentric magician, and he was sitting by her side telling her stories as Adore plucked some chords out of and old guitar as Milk and Kim chatted. Bianca was sitting in a corner talking to Mr.Davis, the coachman. Trixie had discovered he was also a comedian drag queen at the circus show, but tonight he was just Mr.Davis. Max and Violet seemed to be joined by the hip and were quietly smoking,one cigarette after another.Jinkx was sitting by Latrice with Reggie - Dela’s tiny dog- sleeping at her feet and struggling not to fall asleep herself.  
There was a bunch of other people that had already went to sleep, but their little group lingered around the bonfire. She saw Katya make her way to them with a hip flask in her hand and hand it to Milk.  
“Ok so maybe we could make a toast!” Milk said loudly, grabbing the bottle from Katya’s hands,“To Trixie joining us and cooking a delicious stew!” Trixie’s cheeks burnt red as she blushed and she smiled shyly at him.  
“Oh please, get a room” Violet snorted blowing out smoke.  
They paid her no attention and everybody laughed and cheered at Trixie.  
“Are you actually going to play or are you just torturing that poor thing?” Bianca asked Adore, that was still struggling with the guitar in her lap. “Don’t tease mee, I just can’t get this chord right” The girl answered with a whine.  
“Um, maybe you should try a B flat there” Trixie said, taking the flask Milk was offering her and taking a tiny sip. It was very strong and it made her scrunch her nose.  
“You play?” Katya asked, speaking directly to her for the second time that day.  
Trixie looked at her and swallowed the liquid she had been holding in her mouth quickly. It burnt it’s way down her throat and made her feel suddenly hot.  
“I, um. Just a little. I used to play at the church” She looked down at her feet embarrassed. Why was she acting like a schoolgirl? She did feel intimidated, but Katya was only being polite.  
“Oh! You should play something for us!” Adore said handing her the guitar.  
“I’m not sure i remember any of it” Trixie said panicking.  
“O come on country girl, you owe us at least a song.” Bianca said with her teasing tone. Trixie was starting to get used to it. She held the guitar in her hands feeling divided, and then Violet spoke from her corner;  
“We can always kick you out if you suck” She said smiling wickedly.  
The witty comments were starting to bother her, so she took another sip of the metal flask she was still holding in her hand and held the guitar properly.  
She plucked some chords trying to remember any good song she knew,and then she squared her shoulders and started to play;

“The old home town looks the same  
As I step down from the train  
And there to meet me is my Mama and Papa  
Down the road I look and there runs Mary  
Hair of gold and lips like cherries  
It's good to touch the green, green grass of home”

Trixie started to relax as she plucked the chords she knew by heart. It had been one of the first songs her grandpa taught her and she didn’t use to understand it, but it started to make sense as she sang it so many years later

The old house is still standing tho' the paint is cracked and dry  
And there's that old oak tree that I used to play on  
Down the lane I walk with my sweet Mary  
Hair of gold and lips like cherries  
It's good to touch the green, green grass of home”

Katya felt her chest tighten with emotion as she heard Trixie sing. She held her breath and closed her eyes to listen carefully. She had been avoiding the girl since she had woken up a week ago, she knew she had, but in this second with her voice pouring her heart into the song she couldn’t help but open her eyes and stare at her. Her pink plump lips wrapping around the words, the soft rise and fall of her chest as she breathed through her nose, the way her feet kept the pace of the song. She looked beautiful, and fresh, and Katya wanted to wrap her fingers around one of the loosen curls of her braid and play with it all night long.  
But she could also see Milk staring at Trixie in the same way, fascinated. His eyes wide and leaning closer to her without even noticing.

“Then I awake and look around me  
At four grey walls that surround me  
And I realize, yes, I was only dreaming  
there's a guard and there's a sad old padre  
Arm in arm, we'll walk at daybreak  
Again I touch the green, green grass of home.  
Yes, we'll all be together  
In the shade of that old oak tree  
when me meet beneath the green, green grass of home”

Trixie played the last few chords and blinked, suddenly remembering where she was.  
The silence floated around them like a thick fog. No one made a sound until the enchantment was broken by a loud clapping sound. She turned around to see Kystur standing in the shadow of the nearest trailers, his face hidden by the shadows and half illuminated from the bonfire.  
“It appears we have discovered a new talent of yours, my dear Beatrice” He said rolling the r’s in his tongue and approaching to squeeze one of her shoulders.  
Trixie looked up at him and felt a pang of panic in her stomach. He did actually know her name and it surprised her.  
“Your voice is very beautiful” Milk was still by her side and spoke looking at her delighted. She was out of words and just smiled. She could still feel Kystur's hand on her shoulder as he spoke again “Why don't you come with me for a moment, we can discuss this at the office" Trixie hesitated for a second but knew she didn't have much of a choice. She looked around and saw everyone had started to get up and walk away to their own trailers, but Katya hadn’t moved a muscle. She sat there staring at the flames unbothered by the movement around her. Trixie gave the guitar back to Adore and stood up in shaky legs. She followed Kystur back to the office, climbing every step of the tiny ladder that led to door like it would break under her feet.  
Before going in she turned her head to see Katya still sitting by the fire, looking in her direction and Violet leaving at a slow pace but sending daggers at her with her eyes.  
Kystur closed the door behind her and went to sit on the edge of his desk

“Well, it looks have you have hidden talents young lady” Kystur was watching her reaction carefully.  
“It was just an old song, sir. I wouldn't say it's a talent.”  
Trixie saw his face darken as he looked at her up and down  
"Well you better start thinking about it as a talent or you'll spend all your life washing dishes." He got up walked over to her and got close to her face. He smelled like cheap cologne and sour smoke, it made her head spin and she felt the urge to scrunch her nose up in disgust. But she didn’t, she stood there as still as she could as he let his heavy breath out on her face “You are as talented as you are gorgeous my dear, I can't wait to see more” He said with a lascivious voice as he ran a cold finger down her neck stopping at the beginning of her cleavage.

 

"I do not mind washing dishes" she said with a thin voice.

He went around the desk to sit on his recliner. Trixie’s heart was pounding inside her chest and she was somehow sure the sound filled the room until Kystur too could hear it.  
"You will play a song every night as a part of the show. I'll expect that you’d be prepared and you will continue with your cooking tasks. You can go now"  
Trixie looked at him perplexed. Her knees were shaking but he nodded and turned to leave.  
He went down the stairs of the trailer one step at a timeshaking. The night outside had started to cool and she felt goosebumps form on her forearms. She breathed letting out all the air from her lungs and resting her body against the surface of the old waggon  
"Are you okay?" Katya's clear voice startled her.  
She had approached her spot so quietly Trixie hadn't even realised she was standing next to her. Her blonde -almost white hair- was shining under the light of the full moon.  
Trixie opened her mouth to speak but instead she heard a loud sob come out of her throat. She felt tears roll down her cheeks and pressed her hand to her mouth trying to suppress the sound.  
“Shh, it’s okay. Come with me”  
Katya took her hand carefully and guided her towards her own trailer, opened the door and sat her down in an old shabby red couch. Trixie kept quietly sobbing. She didn’t want to fall apart in front of Katya but it seemed like there was nothing she could do to stop the tears from coming out of her eyes. She was embarrassed and her cheeks were fully red  
Katya kneeled by her on the floor and stroke her thumbs up and down Trixie’s fore arms as the sobs began to subside.  
“Did he hurt you?” She finally asked her with a small voice.  
Trixie was a bit surprised but shook her head no and looked directly into Katya’s eyes. She felt her stomach churn and realised for the first time that they were actually inside of Katya’s own house.  
“He didn’t. He told me to get ready to perform at the show. He just scares me”  
Katya looked at her for a minute and let out a tired sight. Trixie had completely controlled her sobs by then and was quietly cleaning her cheeks from tears.  
Katya got up and went to rummage inside a cupboard coming back with a bottle and two shot glasses. Trixie took the opportunity to look around a little.  
Katya’s trailer reminded her of Della and Jinkx’s but was at the same time completely different. There were red curtains on the windows shielding them from the bright moonlight outside and the walls were covered in a whitish faded paper, but it was very little what you could see of it. Katya had covered almost every surface of the wall in what seemed like artistic pictures, drawings and things like train tand concert tickets. A photograph caught her attention, a girl with black hair and doe eyes barely covered in a silk robe was lookin at her from the fading paper and it took her a minute to realize it had caught her attention because it was a really young Violet. There was a large mandala printed quilt in different shades of purple hanging over the couch she was sitting on and a funny little lamp that looked like and old russian doll was on the side table, illuminating their scene. It looked rather messy but it made sense to her.  
“I feel like all i´m doing these days is feed people alcohol” Katya said with a snort, coming back to sit by her side on the couch “But I really think it helps” She offered Trixie the small shot glass that she had filled to the brim with ambarine whiskey and took her own, downing it in one swift movement.  
Trixie did just the same and felt like she had just swallowed flames. She wasn’t a heavy drinker ,since she had always had to deal with a drunk husband, but this time the liquid filled her with a soft warmth she very much appreciated.  
“Why did you come looking for me? No one else did” She asked Katya, who was now looking at the bottom of her glass. “Did you think he was going to hurt me?”  
She didn’t answer right away. Instead she took her time pour another shot for herself and down it closing her eyes. “You seem like a decent girl and I don't know what you are looking for” She whispered “But you ain't gonna find it here. If you have any place to go back to, now would be the right time”  
She opened her eyes and looked Trixie straight in the eye. Her expression had lost its playful tone, and suddenly trixie noticed the lines around her eyes and how tires she looked. She felt the need to smooth those lines with the tip of her thumbs until they were soft again.  
She shook her head slowly and said “I have no place to go. No one waits for me anymore” In that moment the truth of her words hit her like a gunshot. She was,actually, alone in the world. She closed her eyes trying to contain the tears that had formed behind her eyelids, the alcohol had started to kick in and she could feel her body warm and loose, but her chest was a heavy knot. She thought about all the people in her life that had abandoned her even if it wasn’t on purpose. Her grandfather, and her mother even her bastard husband. She realised there was really no where else to go.  
She heard the rustle of Katya’s clothes against the upholeryst of the couch and opened her eyes only to find the smaller blond woman barely inches away from her face. She could smell the whiskey in her breath and cigarette smoke and a soft perfume she thought it could be lavender. It made her mouth water slightly and she took a deep breath trying to savor it all. Katya spoke with a soft voice against her lips, her warm breath caressing Trixie’s senses “Then you have made your choice”  
She got up slowly and looked down at Trixie who was still sitting on the couch.

“You can stay here if you want, i don't think Kim would appreciate very much that you woke her up” Trixie nodded quietly, she was spent and she felt a little dizzy. She didn’t think she could make it to her own bed either.  
“I'll bring you a blanket”  
She laid down on the couch and felt as Katya wrapped her with a soft blanket  
“Katya?” she said almost half asleep  
“Yes?”  
“Thanks for come looking for me”  
“You're welcome красоtка . Now sleep”  
Trixie heard the unfamiliar word role off the other woman’s tongue but she was already too far away to ask what it meant.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm finally back. I want to tell you that I really love this story but I barely have time to sit down and write. I definitely want to continue it, but you'll have to be patient. There's some harsh language on this one so if it triggers anything, please keep it in mind before you read. Let me know what you think and if you like it! 😘😘

I've made a [playlist ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1YOjDev8p04hmFLuxhIwKZ?si=6DprmxxZSzW81qQJc9ju9A)for this fic, I hope you like it. Some of the songs will appear on it but some are just for background mood setting.

 

** Chapter 6  **

"Kim I told you it wasn't like that!" Trixie said for the hundredth time that week. They were both propped on Kim's bed practicing how to apply their artistic makeup. Well at least Trixie was; Kim was an exceptional makeup artist and she had managed to give herself a butterfly wing looking kind of face, while Trixie was still trying not to smudge her eyeliner. After she had told Kim that she would be performing in the show Kim had insisted on her finding a stage makeup. They had also decided to ask for Bianca's old sewing machine to make her a new outfit as soon as they reached a bigger town and could get their hands on some good fabric.  
"I'm just saying, she's hot. I mean, I won't judge you." Trixie rolled her eyes even though Kim couldn't see her, through the mirror she was holding in front of her face. Kim had spent all week trying to get a confession out of her about something that hadn't happened. She had arrived their trailer the morning after she slept at Katya's and had been suffering Kim's questions and insinuations ever since. She had been happy when she announced her performing as a part in the circus, but her new friend's interest just seemed to be directed one way, it was starting to get to her nerves.  
"I know. I just don't think she likes me like that. Plus I'm into guys" Her voice almost broke at the end of her sentence thinking about Brett. She still found it odd to think about Katya that way. She had had a very conservative education growing up, with the church and everything, but she liked to think she was a bit more open-minded than the people in her hometown, but maybe she still was a bit conservative. She had to admit she wasn't surprised when Kim asked, she wasn't stupid, she knew how it would seem from the outside, but she couldn't wrap her head around the idea of Katya liking her as more than just a friend. Even if she couldn't quite recall everything that happened back at Katya's trailer. The alcohol had taken its toll on her inexperienced body and she was left hangover and shaky all day, but even with that, she was sure someone as interesting and clever as Katya would never have any interest in a girl like Trixie, who came from the middle of nowhere literally. She still couldn't believe Katya had gone looking for her after her talk with Kystur, she felt like there was something odd about it. Like if she was waiting for Trixie to run off or something.  
"Yeah? and what about Milk?" Kim counterattacked bringing her out of her thoughts.  
"What about him?" Trixie was pushing her luck and she knew it. She had noticed the strong man's efforts to get close to her. He had been lurking around her all week trying to make conversation and shooting her puppy eye looks, but she was fed up with the whole Kim trying to pair her up thing and didn't want to admit that she had a point about Milk. She just needed time to recover from her shit of a life, before she could think about being with someone else.  
"Ok, I see you're playing dumb. I'll leave you to it"  
Kim got off the bed and went to examine her work on a larger mirror that was sitting against the wall.  
"I just think you could use some fun…"  
She stopped mid-sentence feeling Trixie's eyes roll and laughed out loud.  
Trixie gave up on trying to fix her eyeliner and went to look at her reflection on the wall mirror as well; Her brown eyes were popping out on her plump heart-shaped face, she had applied so much makeup on them and she knew it but it somehow it seemed to favor her. Her cheekbones were drawn sharply in a light shade of brown and it made her face appear sharper than it was. She had left her lips for last and they were brightly covered in soft baby pink, as were her eyelids. It all seemed a bit much, but it was her favorite color.  
"You just need some practice, but the good stuff is there," Kim said pinching her cheek playfully.  
"Easy for you to say. That looks gorgeous!" Trixie sighed and stared at herself in the poorly illuminated mirror. It wasn't that bad, but nothing nearly comparable to what Kim had achieved. She tried to remind herself that her friend had only had more time than her to practice and smiled encouragingly at her reflection. But her smile froze on her lips as she heard his voice in her head "Where are you going looking like that? you look like a cheap hooker."  
Suddenly the thick lump that formed in her throat made swallowing loud and painful.  
When had been the last time she had worn makeup? she couldn't even recall. The last time must have been in high school before they got married. It always made him very angry if she wore makeup or pretty dresses, even to go to church on Sundays, so she had stopped wearing them and instead kept her looks neat and nice, but discrete. No makeup, no short skirts, and almost no cleavage. Except for her arms and mid calves, there were no other parts of her body that saw the daylight, but they did come in hand when she had to hide the bruises and scars his punches left. Even these days she wore large dresses Latrice had the kindness of lending her, just until she could make some clothes for herself, but they were always too big. Her own pink gingham dress had been impossible to save from the stains of dirt and blood that covered it, so she decided to throw it away with the remnants of her home life.  
A feeling started to grow inside her chest before she could even notice it, and she began to wipe off all of the black paint from her eyes. Some kind of dread feeling was spreading through her mind. It still happened to her sometimes, the feeling that he was going to catch her breaking the rules. But she tried to remind herself that there were no rules anymore, not his rules. She still wiped all of the makeup off her face and smiled at her own clean reflection in the mirror. She had time to practice, she had time to discover what she liked, there was nothing forbidden anymore.

                                                                      **************************************************************************

  
The summer air felt electrified and full of promises, Katya took a deep breath tasting the smell of freshly removed earth on her tongue. She had always liked the evenings before a show. Watching the tent be set up, the coming and going of rushing people, the excitement in everyone's faces. There was nothing that could bring people together as a show did. Even in her worst times the mixture of candy, grass and makeup smell in the air made her feel a special kind of comfort, the sense that she actually belonged somewhere.  
She walked slowly, admiring the ominous silhouette of the deep blue tent, cutting against the orange glow of the sky that announced the twilight. Everything was almost set and ready. It had been weeks since they had had a proper show and her body was itching to perform. Rehearsals were making her sick, she needed action. The anticipation made her skin prickle and her blood rush through her veins like an army of tiny ants opening tunnels inside her body, the adrenaline was intoxicating. She bummed a cigarette as she watched the last rays of sun illuminate the sky, it wouldn't be long until a crowd formed around the old tent, eager to enter it to be fascinated. There were steps behind her back and she turned her head in time to see Violet approaching her spot lazily. Her unmistakable mane of raven black hair had been slicked and pulled against her skull forming an elaborate hairdo.  
"Penny for your thoughts," The younger woman said, in a tentative tone.  
Katya looked at her slowly blowing out the smoke. She was already wearing her costume that consisted of a very brief strapless bodysuit covered in shiny green sequins, a short flowy skirt and a paired set of matching tights. The deep green color accentuated the paleness of her skin, and the sharp shadows painted on her face made her look like a very smug hummingbird. She had thrown a flimsy black robe over her bare shoulders that did almost nothing to conceal the defined shape of her body. Her outfit caught the last of the sun's light as she moved, and made her whole figure shimmer.  
"You lost something?" Katya answered harshly. The brunette's face dropped slightly but she still smiled as she answered.  
"Just run out of smokes" Violet extended a slim hand and gestured towards the small pack Katya was holding in her left hand. She offered the pack and waited as the girl took out a cigarette and pursed her red painted lips around the filter, staining it. She reached out to offer her lighter and felt the cold touch of Violet's fingers stroking the back of her hand. Her skin tickled where the girl's fingers touched her and she felt the back of her neck start to sweat. She hesitated for a moment as Violet leaned in closer, her face close to her own. She could smell her perfume in the air between them. It was familiar and sweet, she had smelled it countless times before, but this time it made her squirm uncomfortably.  
She straightened her back and pulled her hand away as quick as she could. She felt hot and sweaty but she didn't want to let the other woman notice.  
Violet puffed on the cigarette and smiled smugly. She blew out a cloud of smoke into Katya's face and said "Thanks"  
"What do you want Violet?" Katya said in a tired voice. She was running out of patience for the younger woman's games.  
"You haven't talked to me in ages" She answered in a whisper, leaning closer again, and Katya could feel the warmth radiating from her body through the thin fabric.  
She sighed loudly and closed her eyes. She felt the familiar pull of her desire in her lower belly and she cursed herself in her head. She wasn't prepared for this, not now. She didn't feel like having this conversation before the show, but she knew Violet well enough to be sure she wouldn't drop the subject right away. She was tired of Violet's manipulation and games, she couldn't bear them anymore. Loneliness made her give in once in a while, the need for a warm body against hers on cold nights, and the promise of soft skin and sweet moans always led her back to Violet's trailer. This time she promised herself it would be different. She felt hurt and betrayed.  
"And whose fault is that?" She answered before she could contain herself  
"I did nothing wrong" Violet answered "You're just being squeamish about the whole Maxine thing" She was still standing in her personal space, breathing her sweet scent in Katya's face. They were both panting a little bit now, feeling a sort of electricity between their bodies. The brunette carefully lifted a slim hand and caressed the side of the other's cheek. She blew smoke into her mouth, this time directly and leaned in pressing her meticulously painted lips into Katya's red ones.  
Katya felt goosebumps rise all over her skin and thoughtlessly parted her mouth giving Violet space to slip in her warm, soft tongue and slide it against her teeth. She heard her whimper softly, almost inaudibly and an alarm went off in her brain. She had been there before, in that exact same situation an knew how it would result if she didn't end it. She pulled back swiftly and broke off their kiss as fast as it had started, but held Violet's face between her hands. Squeezing her cheeks together firmly she brought her own face close to hers and said in an accusatory tone;  
“You accused me with him, even knowing what it could cost. You don't give a fuck about me,”  
Katya spat the final words and let go of the others face disgusted, but kept staring into her eyes. “Get out of here, I don't want to see your face any longer than I need to,”  
The brunette stood there examining her. Her face had turned from a beautiful mask into a makeup-smudged mess. Her eyes were like daggers starting at Katya, but behind that Katya could see she was hurt.  
“Is this because of her?” the strain in her voice was palpable, “It's because you have a thing for that stupid barbie girl?” The mention of Trixie caught Katya off guard.  
“NO! This is not about Trixie! You were bargaining on Max like she was cattle, don't make this about me and you. You don't care about anybody but yourself,” Her breathing had become irregular and heavy by then “Maybe you should be begging Kystur to fuck you as it seems you get on so well now,”  
She turned her back completely on Violet and clenched her jaw enraged.  
“I didn't beg” Violets voice was soft but it was much closer than she expected and it made her jump. She had moved until her lips were almost touching Katya’s ear.  
“You can lie to yourself, but not to me Katya. You are no different from me and him. What will happen when she finds out who you really are?” Her voice sent chills down Katya’s spine, her throat felt dry and tight and suddenly she wanted to run away from the conversation and Violet. “You were always the type to fall for straight girls. I’ll be there to see how she crushes your heart. Don’t say I didn’t tell you so,”  
She heard the ruffle of Violet's robe against the grass and turned her head to face her, but she was gone. Katya just stood there while the wind began to chill her slightly. Guilt crept inside her chest. She hated Violet at that moment, but she had to admit that she was right. She kinda had a thing for Trixie even if they had just met. But she was sure it was a crush and it would fade away. It had to. There was no way she could ever think about letting Trixie know, she had been through so much already to have to add and old crazy dike to her list. Someone with no routes or past. It was best to keep her distance and hide her feelings away until they had passed. She closed her eyes for a second and an image lurked in her mind; Trixie wearing a bright Sunday dress, her hair big and her smile wide surrounded by a bunch of kids running around her, walking towards a church, holding the hand of a tall man. She shook the image away as she opened her eyes but the thought lingered behind her eyelids. Why was she even fantasizing about her?  
It was clear who she was. A good obedient country girl who was educated on church laws and had married the man she was told to, even if he was nothing but a violent abusing piece of shit. The only reason she had joined the circus was to escape her life and because she thought her husband had abandoned her. She definitely had to hide her feelings away. Taking a deep breath to steady her thoughts she walked towards the entrance of the tent and disappeared inside, itching to find something to do before she started screaming.

                                                            *******************************************************************************************

The softness of the fabric against her bare tights was so soothing it almost made her forget the heavy lump in her throat.  
"Oh my god, Trix. It looks fabulous on you," Adore's voice was halfway between surprise and admiration. Trixie gave her a tight little smile and looked at the reflection in the mirror. She could barely recognize herself, which was maybe a good thing because she hardly even felt like herself anymore. Her hair was brushed and styled into big tall waves that surrounded her face like a halo, and a pink ribbon kept her stubborn curls from falling into her face. Her makeup was flawless, thanks to Kim who had agreed to help her out the first time around until she got the hang of it. Following Trixie's precise directions she had created an intriguing mask around her eyes with shades of pink and purple eyeshadow and black eyeliner that made the brown in her eyes more intense. She had drawn Trixie's features in shades of light brown and her lips were covered in her favorite baby pink as she had practiced it.  
She was wearing the smallest dress she had ever worn in her life. It had taken them all day to find a costume fit for the occasion. Something that would go with the vibe of the circus but that will still say country guitar-singer, and most important that wasn't two sizes bigger or smaller. Finally, after looking through almost everyone's trunks, Bianca had remembered a costume she made a few years ago for one of the girls who wasn't a part of the circus anymore. She had kept it because it had been hard as hell to get the fabric and because the girl didn't deserve to keep it anyway. When Trixie saw it the first time she was sure it wouldn't fit, but it turned out Bianca was the bests seamstress in the world and with just a few arrangements it was ready for her after an hour. Now she was standing in front of Adore's mirror staring at it and having the worst case of stage fright she had ever experienced.  
The dress was gorgeous. The top consisted of a sweetheart neckline corset made of hot pink crushed velour, it scandalously hugged her figure, lifting her breasts up until they almost popped out. It had a pair of puffy sleeves made of soft organza as was the layered skirt that hit her mid tighs. It was beautiful, but she felt awfully exposed.  
"Don't you think it's too much?" she asked Adore after straightening the length of the skirt for the hundredth time.  
"Well, if you want to be a success you need to do more than just have a pretty voice. Sell it a little barbie!" Bianca's voice startled them both and Adore laughed loudly throwing her arms around the older woman's neck.  
"I know I've seen you make a hundred costumes Willow, but this one is just perfect"  
"Well, this cunt doesn't seem to think so. What's wrong with it Barbie? It's all pink!" Bianca said pinching and weighting the material of the dress in her hands. She looked at Trixie's eyes on the mirror until she noticed Bianca was waiting for an answer.  
"Oh, no. It is perfect, thank you. It's just not what I'm used to"  
"Well, the first impression passes soon. In no time we'll have you running around in your panties, believe me," Bianca's tone denoted nerves, but also a playful note and she smiled at Trixie briefly before saying  
"Ok let's go. We have a show to put on and no one's gonna wait for you to get it together,"  
"It's gonna be fine Trix, you're gonna crush it!"Adore took her hand a gave it a soft reassuring squeeze before walking away. She watched the pair of them walk away and the last strands of Adore's flowy brown hair disappear behind the corner of the trailer before she let out the breath she had been holding. She felt like a fraud, there was no amount of makeup in the world that could conceal that. What was she even thinking when she agreed to this? she reminded herself that she hadn't been let much of a choice, but she couldn't ger her knees to stop trembling. She tried to calm down by counting her breaths one by one. "In and out," she told herself, but her brain and body didn't seem to be cooperating. She ran her hands' trough the smooth fabric of the corset gathering the nerve to stand up. She finally got it together enough to put on her cowboy boots and head out of the trailer. The outside world had seemed to change entirely since she entered the trailer hours ago. There was row after row of fairy lights illuminating the early evening and the tent looked vibrating with life- people lining up to enter it- there was loud music and chatting, and Trixie could feel the anticipation tingling through her body. She crouched beside the entrance of the trailer and took Adore's guitar- that she kindly accepted to lend her- between her hands. Clutching it tightly in her fingers she made her way towards the back entrance of the tent. She immediately got tangled up in the tent canvas and felt like her ribs hit against something she was sure was a person.  
"Ouch!" The complaint left her lips and she shook the last of the canvas off her shoulder to find Milk standing in front of her.  
"Hey there," She offered him a soft smile.  
He was staring at her and she noticed his jaw was slightly opened.  
"Hi," he muttered. "You look amazing," she smiled at him and blushed scarcely.  
"Well, I don't look like myself. That's something" she offered and he grinned.  
"We should get going, you'll be on soon," he extended his hands for a second, like if he aimed to touch her shoulder, but then took it back and smiled down at her. "You'll be great. break a leg" and he ushered her towards the velvet curtains hanging around a platform.  
She could hear music, cheering and the sound of excited voices coming to her from the other side. She peeked a bit through a crack in the curtains and saw Maxine balancing her weight on a Tight rope that seemed to be ten feet high in the air. She pulled her head back and started to breathe heavily. It wasn't the tight rope that made her hyperventilate, it was the large crowd cheering and applauding. Her whole fate depended on them right now. What if they hated her? she hugged the guitar against her chest and did her best not to cry. She could clearly hear Bianca's voice know, wrapping up Max's act. She was sure she'll be next.  
"Hey, красотка" Katya's voice came from somewhere behind the curtain and Trixie lifted her head but couldn't place it. She adjusted her eyes and could then distinguish the blonde woman's figure against the red fabric. Katya's costume was almost the same color as the curtain which in the dim light made her difficult to see, but once Trixie saw her she couldn't take her eyes off. She looked fierce and beautiful, in her red bodysuit and her imperceptibly tousled hair.  
"Thought you would be freaking out by now" she let out a chuckles at the sight of Trixie obviously coming apart. She took a step forward and placed both hands on each of Trixie's shoulders, holding her. "I know you terrified, but believe me when I say they're gonna love you," She smiled warmly and Trixie found her face relaxing into a smile. "Here," Katya took one of her hands that wasn't holding the guitar and wrapped a thin bracelet to her wrist. A little silver hand was hanging delicately in the air. "It's a good luck charm. You should be fine now," Trixie watched as the pendant rested against the pink skin on her wrist and smiled.  
"Thank you, Katya," She was about to say something else but Bianca's voice was announcing her now and she looked up. The curtains were starting to move around the, but when she looked again Katya was gone.  
There was a sudden streak of light and Trixie found herself facing the crowd. The reflector was on her, this was showtime. She took a deep breath and accommodated the guitar. Her voice was sure as she began to sing;

 _Have you ever wandered lonely through the woods?_  
_And everything there feels just as it should_  
_You're part of the life there_  
_You're part of something good_  
_If you've ever wandered lonely through the woods_  
_If you've ever wandered lonely through the woods_  
_Have you ever stared into a starry sky?_  
_Lying on your back you're asking why_  
_What's the purpose I wonder who am I_  
_If you've ever stared into a starry sky_  
_Have you ever stared into a starry sky_  
_Have you ever been out walking in the snow?_  
_Tried to get back to where you were before_  
_You always end up not knowing where to go_  
_If you've ever been out walking in the snow_  
_If you'd ever been out walking you would know._

She finished with one last lingering chord and waited as the silence grew deeper and deeper. She closed her eyes, expecting to be booed at, but instead she heard applause and cheers and whistles. She took a small vow and ran away from the tent, without waiting for Bianca to signal her. She had done it, and she felt amazing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> Here is another chapter. I've been so busy but I really want to continue this story so I hope you like it and you will tell me what you think! enjoy :)

When Katya was four years old, the thing she loved to do the most was gymnastics. She lived for every split and jump, she felt like she was born to do nothing but that all her life. She distinctly remembered the first leotard she ever wore, it was red with small patches of golden sequins. Her mother Svetlana had spent a whole week sewing the sequins until her fingers were nothing but a bloody mass. It had been her most cherished garment until the evening of her fifth birthday when it stopped fitting altogether.  
She had been growing up all summer, and almost all of her clothes were useless by that point. But nothing ever hurt her as much as giving up that first leotard she wore when she discovered her true passion. As she grew older she experienced different kinds of pain and heartache until she figured that she would rather lose a thousand leotards before having to face what real pain felt like. The year of her fifth birthday was also the year war started and with it, every single problem, Katya ever had.  
Her family fled socialist Russia to try and make a future for themselves and landed in America where her father became a factory worker and her mother a dressmaker. In a lot of ways Katya wished they had stayed in Russia, even if staying meant starving to death because all she could ever recall of her childhood was how drunk her father always was, and at some point how her mother had sailed into madness to never come back. There were times she still dreamt about her mother, images of her last days crept into her head on lonely nights, the vacuum expression of her face, the way she leaned against the window in cold dark nights as if waiting for someone.  
Katya had been educated as an orthodox catholic by her mother who had given her a small locket with a prayer graved in it for her second birthday  
"Во всех ваших путях признайте Его, и Он направит ваши пути"  
"In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."  
but as her mother’s illness grew and the years passed she had started to think that if there really were a God he wouldn’t let a girl growing up without her mother, he wouldn't allow so many people to die in wars and most importantly, he wouldn’t let evil people win them, so one day she decided she didn’t believe in God anymore, but maybe in the universe and it’s mysterious ways. Even so, she always kept the locket, and after her mother died it became the home of a small picture of her, the only one Katya could rescue from the fire her father made with all of her mother’s existing pictures. Tonight as she watched Trixie sing for the first time in front of the circus audience her fingers closed around the locket that always rested against her heart. The younger woman’s voice touched something inside of her, something that she felt had been asleep for so many years. It brought her back the memories of the nights she spent on the ship with her parents, sailing to America, dreaming of the new world they would encounter, the sound of her mother’s voice singing soft lullabies in her deep Russian accent. The tears prickled at the corners of her eyes and she shut them for a moment so she wouldn’t start crying then and there, and when she opened them again, Trixie was gone. The crowd was visibly stunned but also delighted as they clapped and hollered. She could see Bianca now, wrapping up the last bit of the show looking clearly annoyed by the fact that Trixie had disappeared the moment she finished her song, but being charming about it.  
Katya took a rodeo around the tent until she found what she was looking for. A small group of people were cheering and laughing behind one of the trailers and in the center of it, she could see Trixie smiling widely. One of Adore’s arms was wrapped around her waist as if she was holding her in place and at her other side Milk was giving her a tight hug. Trough Milk’s hug Katya saw when Trixie spotted her in the distance and how her face lit up as she waved.  
“She freaking killed it!”  
Adore shouted towards her and Katya couldn’t help but laugh, she sure had. Trixie got rid of the arms that held her from every direction and ran to hug Katya instead.  
“I did it”  
She whispered against Katya’s ear, and Katya held her even closer, burying her nose in her hair.  
“Yes you did and it was amazing”  
Her voice trembled slightly as she answered. Trixie broke their hug and smiled at her, but her eyes were questioning.  
“Yes great. We are all celebrating. YOU!”  
Bianca’s shout broke their cheerful celebration, “If you ever walk out on me on that stage again I’ll cut off all of your pretty hair while you sleep”  
Her thin hand was extending a finger in Trixie’s direction. Everyone stopped talking and stared at her but they broke into laughter again, Katya letting out a wheezing sound that made Trixie crack up. Even Bianca smiled a bit and pulled Trixie in for a short hug.  
“I mean it, and welcome to the circus, kid”  
She whispered loud enough that only Trixie could hear.  
A warm feeling was spreading through Trixie's body, her face ached from how much she was smiling and greeting everyone who congratulated her. A circle had formed around them with some people of the circus she knew but apparently, there were more she hadn’t met yet. An impromptu meeting was organized and she found herself drinking from a bottle being passed around and joining in the general conversations and laughter. After a while, she felt a little light-headed so she refused the drink someone was offering and instead she got up and started walking in the general direction of the trailers. She was definitely tipsy and she giggled out loud when her feet got tangled in something and she almost fell down.  
“You should be careful where you step” a voice behind her back startled her and she quickly whipped her head towards it.  
“We wouldn’t want our little star breaking a bone or something”  
Violet was standing in the shadow of one of the wagons, her black raven hair was perfectly styled in place and her makeup barely smudged at the corner of her lips, there was a cloud of thick smoke around her, which in Trixie's lightly drunken state made her seem unreal.  
"Oh, hi"  
she blurted out and laughed at how high pitched her voice sounded  
"I didn't see you over there" Her breathing was shallow and she realized she was a lot more drunk than she had thought.  
Violet just looked at her with disdain and took her cigarette to her lips slowly. Trixie felt the other's eyes bore into her and felt uncomfortably dizzy.  
"I, Uhm, I think I'm gonna go to sleep now,"  
she said lifting a hand to her forehead and finding it warm and sticky. Violet moved towards her and suddenly slammed her hands to her shoulders, pinning Trixie against a trailer, her eyes drilled into her skull and Trixie felt the ground spin under her feet and closed her eyes.  
"I don't care what the fuck you think you're doing, but your country ass doesn't belong here"  
Violet spat to her face.  
"You should go back to the middle of nowhere before it's too late, consider yourself warned"  
she let go of Trixie and backed up a few steps, she turned to leave but stopped and said under her breath "And leave Katya alone, she doesn't want you around" and with that she walked away, leaving Trixie as dizzy and shaken as ever.  
Her head was spinning violently and she didn't think she could make it to her trailer without falling apart, so she let her knees buckle and her body slip slowly towards the ground, not worrying about ruining her costume. Silent tears rolled down her cheeks and she closed her eyes tightly trying to contain them, but it was futile. Her body was trembling and her head spinning, she felt so stupid. Of course, she didn't belong there, and she knew it. She had been trying to convince herself that a costume and a guitar would be enough to change her life and make her fit in, but it was clear that she was a joke to these people. And Katya, she had appeared so sweet trying to cheer Trixie up. Had that been a lie? It hadn't felt like one, but Violet seemed to think that Trixie was pushing herself onto them.  
The sound of footsteps warned her of someone approaching so she tried to get up but her head spun violently so she just laid there, as still as she could.  
"Trixie?"  
A man's voice called her name, but she just continued to lay there until a cold hand was pressed against her burning forehead.  
"Hey, are you ok? what are you doing here?"  
she opened her eyes and found Milk looking at her worried. Her mouth opened and she let out a small cry. He put both hands against her face cooling off her skin and she pressed her own against them, reveling in the temperature difference. She realized she must look like a mess from the tears and sweat.  
"I need to get out of here,"  
she whispered, looking at him pleadingly. He stared at her for a moment before nodding, putting his arms around her and lifting her body from the floor. It felt so good to let go of the weight of her body, just abandon and let herself be carried around. she put her arms around Milks's neck and rested her forehead into the crook of his neck smelling the leader of his clothes and a faint scent of sweat. It reminded her of home in some way. She tried to search inside her mind for the familiarity, but her brain felt like a puddle and she couldn't bring herself to really care.  
"I'll take you to your trailer, ok?"  
He whispered to her ear, but she shook her head lazily and whispered back  
"No, take me to yours"  
He looked at her, a question in his big eyes, but before he could say anything else she craned her neck up and pulled him in with both hands, tangling her fingers in his hair. He stopped a few inches from her mouth, waiting, so she closed the distance between them pressing her dry lips against his, closing her eyes as tight as she could. She didn't want to think anymore, she just wanted to feel a bit loved.  
A few steps behind, standing in a small patch of moonlight, watching the two of them kiss Katya confirmed, finally, that there were no paths to follow because there was definitely no God looking after her.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!  
> Thanks to all of you who are still following this story. Ok so I tried a little background storytelling last chapter and I really liked it so I did some more, I hope you like it and don't hate me too much!!  
> WARNING there's a mention to underage relations so if you don't like it or if it triggers something please keep it mind  
> Please comment and let me know what you think and what you would like to happen. ❤️❤️
> 
> Also, this chapter was kinda inspired by "Love" by Lana del Rey. I added it to the Playlist❤️

The first time Violet saw Katya had been almost ten years before. The circus had arrived at the outsides of Atlanta, where Violet lived with her family, and Katya had been consigned the task of putting up flyers announcing their show. The square was buzzing with life and Violet was out with friends, she was in high school but she couldn't wait to get the hell out of her small town.  
There had always been something in the back of her mind that told her she was too good for the place she had been born, she dreamt of big crowds cheering at her, admiring her skills as a dancer and performer. But she knew her family had different plans for her. Violet's father was an important businessman. He owned half the stores in town and was well known by everyone, her mother had been a beauty queen who married a man she desperately loved who was convenient for her status but who didn't give two fucks about her. She knew from the outside they seemed like the perfect family, but they weren't.

Since Violet could remember her mother was depressed and having to deal with her fathers' endless affairs. She used to spend long hours taking baths and later Violet would find her pills and bottles of whiskey lying in the bathroom, or she would find her laying on the floor completely passed out. Her father was hardly ever home, busy with his lovers and business, and her older brother was an asshole who never even helped her out.  
Violet craved attention and admiration, she lived for the high grades she would get at school, the envious looks other girls would send her and the longing looks she would get out of boys. It had never been enough for her, though.  
The summer of her fourteenth birthday she discovered she could make men do as she pleased with a flick of her lashes, and even better if they were older men. So by the time she turned sixteen she had fucked half her father's business partners and almost a third of their wives as well. She didn't get any pleasure out of it, she didn't really enjoy their bodies. What she really enjoyed was their fear and the adrenaline of having secrets. The feeling that no one could resist her.  
When she met Katya, the Russian girl was handing out colorful circus flyers to the few passersby. It took her just one glance to know the blonde girl would be a challenge, and she was. 

"Hi, you can come to our show, it's tonight" Katya smiled at her with big bright teeth as she handed her a paper sheet. Her blue eyes beamed in the summer sunlight.

"Are you gonna be there?" She replied smiling flirtatiously. Her stomach tickled and she felt her knees tremble a little as they never did before.  
A smile of recognition spread across Katya's face and she chuckled.

"Yes I will, I'm the star" 

That night Violet saw her perform for the first time. The flick of the lights catching the white in her hair, her slender legs wrapping around her slim body in time with the music, the way the sequins on her catsuit reflected the light. That was the night she fell in love, and the night she discovered circus life.  
She ran away from home the next day, leaving behind only a note to her father and her old porcelain dolls to her mother.  
She knew they wouldn't miss her, and they didn't. Even if they had big plans of marrying her off to some jerk who would make her unhappy, they always knew she was an unstoppable force.  
She had no problem convincing Ru to let her join them, she was a magnificent dancer, and with just the right amount of training she would become a great acrobat too, she knew it.  
What she couldn't have predicted was that Katya wouldn't love her back. They hooked up that first night and Violet was thrilled to discover that she could actually feel something, a connection when being with someone. But after that, the Russian girl kept to herself, shut her off from her life and never really opened back again. Except on cold lonely nights when she had had a few drinks and she would crawl up to Violet's trailer and silently let herself in, they never shared more than a few stolen hours.  
As the years went by they became closer, and she found out a lot more about Katya than she ever expected to, but there was a part of her that was never satiated being just that. So when Trixie joined the circus and Katya started getting closer to her, something went off inside her head.  
If she couldn't have Katya, no one else would, she would make sure of that.  
That night back in her own bed she thought about what she had told to Trixie. She knew it wasn't true and Katya had been specific about not wanting to see her again, but upon hearing the soft noise of the door a smile spread across her face and a churn shook her stomach.  
She sat up on the edge of the bed and waited. Within the shadows, she could make out the petite figure of the Russian girl, she was stumbling and wobbly and Violet suddenly realized she was completely drunk.  
"Hi, Vi" Her voice came out scraped and broken.  
She lifted a hand to try and caress Violet's face but she missed it by a few inches and came crushing against the bed. She snuggled a little against the pillow and fell asleep right there.  
Violet's eyes stung with tears. She got up from the bed and wrapped herself in a soft robe as she lit a cigarette.  
After all, she thought to herself, all the troubles to escape her life and her hometown, she had ended up just like her mother; stuck with somebody who didn't love her. Closing her eyes she exhaled the smoke and swallowed a sob, through her tiny window she could hear people singing and cheering.  
They were celebrating, the world was moving on and she was broken.


End file.
